One of my favourite extracts from R. H. Sin’s Whiskey Words and a Shovel.
it hurts to watch the person you love
become everything you should avoid
it’s difficult to watch the person you love
treat you as if they hate you
and even though it hurts like hell
you continue to hold on to who they were
instead of accepting what they’ve become
it’s the harsh reality of falling in love with the surface
and unexpectedly having to face the truth in who most people really are
I think about her often. CS sits behind me in French class.
A brisk spring morning just last year, I remember a precious elderly lady coming to my family’s yard sale. She began quite the chatter with my mother and when I came outside, she started talking to me as well. The lady opened up to us about her granddaughter, who had lost her mother to disease and was taken away from her alcoholic father. She told us how proud she was to have a daughter with such academic talent, yet worried whether she’d be able to financially support a post-secondary education.
Upon further discussion, it was established that the granddaughter and I went to the same school. What’s more, we were in the same grade. CS. It is so odd to me that I went many years knowing this girl, without having a clue of her home life. Makes you wonder how many other people you truly know nothing about.
Every day in French class, CS is happy and outgoing. I tell few people this story because I wouldn’t ever want to embarrass her – especially since she doesn’t know I know. My mother gave her grandmother the yard sale items for free.
Yesterday I caved and was weak. However, it is already 16 minutes into today and so far I am strong. Soon entering my 17th minute, I am okay with him no longer wanting my thoughts, apologies or love.
His stupid “hello” was probably nothing, yet it brings it all back. I catch myself missing something that only hurt us both.
Sometimes I think I am an awful person, because I find myself comforted by the struggles of others. I wasn’t always this way, so maybe it’s just in light of recent events that this is happening. I guess I feel that this world has done me quite wrong, so it helps to be reminded that maybe everyone feels this way.
At school, I see perfectly dressed girls with incredible grades, wonderful friends and loving boyfriends. There is no place I feel more self conscious and anxious, than when I am there. Often times I find myself unable to focus, and end up in the bathroom trying to calm myself down.
So please, forgive me. Excuse the fact that I feel better knowing the girl he adores is seeking extra help in math. Silly, I know. Math isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but I need my strengths to feel enforced – especially since some days I don’t think there’s a lot going for me.
Let’s also excuse the fact that I form such unchangeable disgusts in people who I believe to have downright fucked up. I know mistakes are apart of human nature, and if the roles were flipped I’d obviously want a second chance. But when simply hearing their name makes my blood boil, I just don’t think it’s in the books for me.
A friend once told me that I expect too much of people. I assume everyone to be caring and considerate, which leaves me let down. She suggested that I start bracing myself for people to suck, and be pleasantly surprised when they turn out to be decent. If only I could switch my mind set that easily. Then I wouldn’t be this sensitive and insecure little human, who gets WAY too butt hurt and heated over stuff that’s really quite irrelevant.
How to handle the break up
call him – text him – blame him – blackmail him – stalk him – have sex with him – talk badly about him – obsess over his new life – dwell over old memories – lock yourself up – self harm – tell yourself he’s coming back
stay busy – ditch things that remind you of him – set cheesy reminders – get your nails done – take a selfie – accept that you could’ve done things differently – accept that you can’t change those things – celebrate the small victories
How I wish he felt about me
And sometimes I wake up early
Just to watch her put on makeup
As she transforms
From who she is
To who she wants to be
But I think
She’s beautiful all the time