Sometimes I think I am an awful person, because I find myself comforted by the struggles of others. I wasn’t always this way, so maybe it’s just in light of recent events that this is happening. I guess I feel that this world has done me quite wrong, so it helps to be reminded that maybe everyone feels this way.
At school, I see perfectly dressed girls with incredible grades, wonderful friends and loving boyfriends. There is no place I feel more self conscious and anxious, than when I am there. Often times I find myself unable to focus, and end up in the bathroom trying to calm myself down.
So please, forgive me. Excuse the fact that I feel better knowing the girl he adores is seeking extra help in math. Silly, I know. Math isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but I need my strengths to feel enforced – especially since some days I don’t think there’s a lot going for me.
Let’s also excuse the fact that I form such unchangeable disgusts in people who I believe to have downright fucked up. I know mistakes are apart of human nature, and if the roles were flipped I’d obviously want a second chance. But when simply hearing their name makes my blood boil, I just don’t think it’s in the books for me.
A friend once told me that I expect too much of people. I assume everyone to be caring and considerate, which leaves me let down. She suggested that I start bracing myself for people to suck, and be pleasantly surprised when they turn out to be decent. If only I could switch my mind set that easily. Then I wouldn’t be this sensitive and insecure little human, who gets WAY too butt hurt and heated over stuff that’s really quite irrelevant.