Tomorrow would’ve been our two years. Tomorrow marks two years since we sat in that park. It should’ve been 730 days of good morning texts and late night calls, but instead I’ve settled for this. Now it’s been almost a year apart. It absolutely breaks me to think of how it had to come to this, and how he had to become who he has. But I guess life is funny that way.
I’ll have another day in the park.
As of Sunday the 9th, I am officially off to start my new life in this world. September couldn’t come faster, since it’s my chance to begin again. I will leave the negative energy and unbearable memories of this place, along with everyone who’s hurt me, behind.
Someday, I’ll be laying in a park under the sunshine, with the itch of grass against my neck, smiling into the eyes of someone I adore. And in that moment, it’ll all make sense as to why this had to happen.
I often dream about the person who I’m destined to be with – I hope he dreams about me too.
One of my favourite extracts from R. H. Sin’s Whiskey Words and a Shovel.
it hurts to watch the person you love
become everything you should avoid
it’s difficult to watch the person you love
treat you as if they hate you
and even though it hurts like hell
you continue to hold on to who they were
instead of accepting what they’ve become
it’s the harsh reality of falling in love with the surface
and unexpectedly having to face the truth in who most people really are
Yesterday I caved and was weak. However, it is already 16 minutes into today and so far I am strong. Soon entering my 17th minute, I am okay with him no longer wanting my thoughts, apologies or love.
His stupid “hello” was probably nothing, yet it brings it all back. I catch myself missing something that only hurt us both.
How to handle the break up
call him – text him – blame him – blackmail him – stalk him – have sex with him – talk badly about him – obsess over his new life – dwell over old memories – lock yourself up – self harm – tell yourself he’s coming back
stay busy – ditch things that remind you of him – set cheesy reminders – get your nails done – take a selfie – accept that you could’ve done things differently – accept that you can’t change those things – celebrate the small victories
How I wish he felt about me
And sometimes I wake up early
Just to watch her put on makeup
As she transforms
From who she is
To who she wants to be
But I think
She’s beautiful all the time
I’ll never understand why I had to be his training wheels. After all I’ve gone through, I needed him to treat me right. He knew that. Nevertheless, he didn’t. Every time he told me not to worry about her, was a lie. I wasn’t what he wanted, meanwhile she always was. Now he treats her the way I deserve so badly to be treated. Now it is I who is told things, he wouldn’t have ever told to her.
“I can’t talk to you, I know it’ll hurt her”
Except he talked to her while he was mine, despite knowing very well the way it tore me apart. My self confidence feels shattered some days. How can it be that I, and all that I am, isn’t enough.
I deserve nothing short of the best type of love. I dream of the day I find the person I’ll spend my life with. He shall be kind, thoughtful, supportive and proud. He will inspire me in the same way I’ll inspire him, and we will chase our dreams side by side.
He shall make me feel beautiful. At all hours of the day, throughout all of my emotions, even if we are miles apart. I’ll be shown off to the world, his family and friends especially, for I am worth bragging about.
With time, I know my person will come someday. I must stop trying to impose the qualities I long on people who just don’t possess them, for it has an inevitable result of failure.
Today I put on a real bra and one of my favourite outfits, all for a boy who only wanted me in bare skin. I am more than he treats me to be, for my soul is of unfathomable beauty. I am better than this.